My mom had been on my mind and that is who I needed to write about. I still do. I wrote about her last moments here on earth and my time that I was fortunately able to spend with her before she moved on. I wouldn’t be here to write anything at all if she had made different choices in life. I am so happy she chose to have me, and I believe in my heart that I know she made the right choice as well.
Jean wanted to be a schoolteacher and Ashland College (now
Ashland University) is where that dream would come true. Along with college came meeting boys and for
her it was Patrick. They eventually
became intimate and with intimacy came the news that she was pregnant. As far
as I knew for years afterward was the story that Pat just cut his ties with her
and that was that. She wanted to have me
even though she wasn’t married and back in 1969 that was pretty taboo. Especially for a family like mine that gets
embarrassed over small family dramas.
There were some quick solutions though.
One was to drop out of college. Another
was to move into a small cottage out in the country when she began to
show. The cottage was on a farm down the
road from my great aunt and uncle who were good friends of the farmer and his
wife. Next, and shaking my head now
writing this at the absurdity, was where I was born. Luckily for the family, we lived very close
to the Pennsylvania border. They got
Jean set up with Sharon General hospital and that is where I was born. Want to know why? The local paper would not show my birth
record…it would be in another state.
Weird but that was the mentality back then. It’s like all the sudden Jean disappears and
then several months later reappears with a bundle of joy. You know what? So what.
She would have gone through all of that again if she had to.
She went back to college after a couple years and took me
with her. There were a couple very cheap
babysitters that she could rely on for support while in class. She finished college and achieved her goal as
a single mom. She was now a schoolteacher
and secured a Home Economics teaching position at an inner-city school in
Youngstown, OH. Primarily she was
teaching sewing for her first several years which was a humorous detriment to
myself. Detriment at the time and
humorous now. She made a LOT of my
clothes. Don’t get me wrong though, that
woman could sew with the best of them. I
believe I drew a line in the sand back in the 80s when I wanted a pair of
Jordache jeans like all the other kids and she made me her own version. It didn’t not go over well with the other
kids. I was called Generic Jordache. I was mortified BUT as she saw how distressed
I was…got me a really cool pair of Jordache jeans.
I believe I was 10 or 11 years old when I made a discovery
in the basement. An old box with knickknacks
and things and some old letters? From
Patrick. Wow. No emails back in the late 60s and Pat had a
way with words. Every letter had a different
greeting, Dear Sweetie Pie, Dear My Darling
Doll etc, you get the idea. They were
all pretty rated G and full of lovey dovey talk. I was very intrigued though and could read
very well with, thanks to my mom, and extraordinary vocabulary for my age. There were a lot of letters to read
through. This is the closest I have come
to knowing my biological father and my mom’s relationship with him. I got to the last letter in the stack. It was a different tone right off the bat
because it started off, Dear Jean…that’s strange. I felt hollow at the end of it. Numb even.
Even to this day probably the most soul ripping words I had or ever will
read. I will just give the wavetops. He wanted her to get an abortion. He had his whole future ahead of him
etc. I took that letter to the backyard
and burned it. My life was never the
same since. My relationship with my
mother took on a whole other meaning.
She chose me. Me. She had the courage to live in her own truth
For several years I was also a bit insecure though as
well. I thought of myself as a
mistake. An error that God made. Oops.
I always felt so different than everyone else and WAS so different than
everyone else that I always attributed it to my being that mistake. The funny thing is…God doesn’t make
mistakes. I was born for a reason and I
am here for a reason. I will continue to
shine my light until my last breath. My
mom brought me into this world. She took
care of me, she nurtured me, and I honor her here and now and Always. I love you, Mom.
I just had no idea.
No clue. What is/was love? I never truly knew until I fell in Love with mySelf. It’s the Greatest Love in this physical
reality. “You’re OK.” “I kind of like you.” “You’re cool…I guess.” Those are the kind of things I would think or
feel. After the Shift, something dawned
on me. I Loved Me. It’s this love that gave me the strength to
let my girlfriend, Eiris, go. I do LOVE
her. I came to realize it was different
though. It wasn’t fair to her or myself
to keep the relationship going (her in Germany and me back stateside). It wasn’t in my mind at the time, almost a
year ago, but it began to take shape and form recently. “She” is out there. She is looking for me as well. Well.
I guess “looking” kind of doesn’t describe “it”. Waiting.
A Waiting. Waiting for that
moment when we are in alignment. When
that moment comes, we will be walking next to each other all of the sudden and
realize we have always been walking next to each other. When?
Good question. Whenever the
moment of alignment occurs. A day? Maybe a couple months. 10yrs.
Who knows with these things…
It is a direction our Sun is taking us through this Galaxy. We’ve made this trip before. Well. Not us personally. Personally, we see ourselves traveling around the Sun 365 days a year. The Sun is a Traveler as well and we are along for the ride. It actually has something to do with how I “woke up” as if in a deep sleep. And the Sun continues on a course it knows so well and yet unchartered waters for our 3D forms (Body/Mind). The Spirit aspect already KNOWS and continues its waiting for The Next Moment. What is “this” Eternity we are heading toward? I do not know anything specific whatsoever. A Feeling. We are heading into Something Wonderful. The closer we get, the stronger I feel. There has been the New Feeling as of late. Thanks to the Universe directing me back to Christian D. Larson, I rediscovered Poise and Power and finally read the book after owning it for almost a year. I seemed to be content with listening to the first four chapters on youtube. Finally. I was ready. This incredible strength that had been growing and growing, combined with the Peace that was re-experienced a year ago was developing and molding into this This Poise. I had a name for it now. Poise. But even now as I am giving consideration to this word, I know it is changing and Growing into More. Whatever the “more” is, I’m not sure there is an earthly/human word to describe It. Maybe that is why I am here. Maybe that was why the Voice told me to begin writing this story. I am heading into Eternity. Eternity is Now. Forever.
And there It IS.
Harmony. A True Balance of the
aspects of Physicality, Mentality, Spirituality. To continually achieve Harmony, you have to
what I call Tending Your Garden.
Daily. Gardens need nurturing
else they will not flourish. You give it
water, fertilizer, pull the weeds.
Pulling the weeds is vital unless you would like your garden
overtaken. Hence, FREE Will. A choice that the Majority choose not to keep
a prosperous garden. Oh they may take
care to keep a beautiful body, but the soul is in despair and ugly things
permeate the mind. Maybe great attention
is given to soulful prayers with determined faith and conviction but…they care
little for what they ingest into their body, their temple, and have let
Feed and nourish ALL THREE ASPECTS DAILY and you will find
Balance, Peace, and Harmony.
And here I sit contemplating at Canyon Lake Resort (4 Apr 14), The Deep Faith. I can Hear the Quiet watching. Always Watching. Non-interference. Just always waiting for…the Next, and the Next, and the Next. (There is a certain humor there that I am hesitant to discuss in the moment). This Quiet Always Stillness Presence just IS. No judgement. Just THERE. I know that it is the basis where the Voice manifests. I had come to refer to It (me) as my Higher-Self. And I know without question or doubt that this Awareness is Infinite. It is God. That aspect of God individualized in Me. Take a microscopic molecule of water from the vast ocean. The ocean is still there in that tiny spec, just individualized. My Spirit, my Soul, the tiniest molecule removed from the Infinite Vastness of Source, of God.
As Above, so below.
The same applies here as to the other two aspects (Body,
Mind). Laying the Foundation, continue
to build, creating newer and even stronger foundations. The daily reminder. Prayer – Meditation. You cannot fully live in the external 3-D
world unless you live in, explore, and fully express The Great Within.